Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Worst People in the World

I hate self-righteous people. They are always such prudes, judging me for every little mistake I make.

The only people worse than self-righteous people are sinners.

Man, I hate those people even more.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Final Solution

So, I just moved into a family (non-singles) ward and after several Sacrament Meetings, an idea for a great new invention screamed into my ear.

Baby Sleeping Pills.

Think of it. No more crying or annoying children. Parents will be able to focus on the speakers and the messages in Church, rather than babysitting their kids. Who wouldn't love this?

And of course, parents can help their kids at night, the best time for sleeping (I hear.) Nothing is more frustrating than trying to get babies to sleep through the night. Many a father and mother have suffered through painfully tired days as a result of restless infants.

Baby Sleeping Pills are the answer.
(Not trees)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Staying Grounded

People always bring up certain laws that we are supposed to keep, such as the Law of Chastity and the Law of Tithing. It's disheartening to focus on those kinds of laws, because I break them so often.

I prefer to emphasize my perfect record obeying the Law of Gravity.

That's something that not even the angels of heaven can say. They have no regard for that law.

So, what gives, Gabriel? What's the matter, Moroni? C'mon fellas, keep your feet on the ground for once.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


It has recently been brought to my attention that I got the title of Gordon B. Hinckley's book wrong. His book is called "Standing For Something." And that's important, too.

For example, what does I stand for? Some people say inspiration, but I say individuality. Actually it can stand for a lot of things. Maybe the book should be called "Standing For Everything."

I still don't understand the point of his book.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

So Simple That It's True

I haven't read Gordon B. Hinckley's book "Standing in Something." But, I'll bet it's about standing in holy places, like the temple. Or in a baptismal font.

I don't think I really need to read it if it's that simple. Some people need those simple reminders, though, so I'm sure it's a helpful book.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

I Think It's In The Apocrypha

On my mission, one of the things that always helped me when I was tired of tracting was the Savior's quote, "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be hard."

And you know, He was right!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Great Debate

I always hear people in Church debating whether "calfing" is against the Word of Wisdom. Some of them say it's bad for you. That alone makes it against the Word of Wisdom, they say.

Well, here's my opinion on the matter.

First, I don't even technically know what calfing is.

Second, Church leaders have not told us exactly what types of exercises are against the Word of Wisdom, but just that we should exercise.

Third, maybe it is wrong to focus solely on your calves (if that's what calfing is), but I don't think it hurts to work calfing into your whole workout routine, as long as you spend similar amounts of time working on other areas of your body.

What it all boils down to is you should treat calfing like everything else in the Word of Wisdom: It's OK in moderation, but just don't overdo it.

Period. End of debate.

Now will somebody please tell me why my repeated requests to Church headquarters to help supplement the Church Handbook of Instructions are denied?